Date: March 2001
Category: Wheel of Time AU fanfic
Characters: Rand al'Thor, Moiraine, Lan
Disclaimer: As everyone well knows, The Wheel of Time setting and its characters belong to Robert Jordan. This story is fan fiction and therefore was written purely for enjoyment, not for personal gain.
Moiraine's words still hurt some days later. Even after he had told himself again and again that she only pulled his strings. I won't let her use me as a puppet. She is trying to manipulate me again. That's all.
He rolled over and dug his head in the pillows. For once he was alone. Especially Egwene and Nynaeve seemed always to hover over him, urging him to eat or to get up. In a corner of his mind he knew they cared for him but mostly he resented their smothering presence. After a time he had learned to ignore them by closing his eyes and thinking oft other things.
When he thought of Emondsfield and then slipped into sleep he would often dream he was home, swimming in one of the cool ponds during the summer or spending a peaceful evening with his father talking or reading. He liked these dreams. If he concentrated enough maybe he would get another of them.
But sleep didn't come.
She really knows how to get under my skin. Had a bloody nightmare the next night. He snorted. As if Moiraine would ever beg. Command him, yes, manipulate him or drag him bodily into her next scheme, but she would never beg.
Exasperated he decided to get up. It didn't help his mood when the getting up changed into a getting down. As he slid to the floor he bumped his head at the bed frame. A bit concern tinged the renewed irritation. How long had he lain that his legs were so weak? He had lost count and he hadn't cared.
You will die! It sneaked unbidden in his thoughts. He couldn't say if it was an echo of Moiraine's outburst or Ba'alzamon's earlier taunts. “No!” His shout echoed in the room. Ba'alzamon is dead, not I. I won't let him win!
Under more normal circumstances Moiraine would have enjoyed the meals at Lord Agelmar's table. The Lord of Fal Dara as well as his sister were well versed how to make conversation. As it was they stressed Moiraine's frayed veneer of Aes Sedai serenity until she hung on only by a nail.
They didn't tire to ask about the 'great victory' she had achieved at the Eye of the World. Rand had won the true battle, but that she could not tell them.
“I don't know exactly what happened at the Eye of the World, Lord Agelmar.” Not a lie. “As Rand tried to divert this man who called himself a Forsaken, -" A dismissive shrug hinted how believable this claim was. “the Dreadlord believed me dead or at least out of action and in this he was mistaken.” They exchanged a grimly satisfied smile as she continued. “Forsaken or not, he is only a small heap of ash now. But Rand... He bought me and Egwene time. And paid dearly.” Moiraine paused and took a sip of her tea.
“The Light be thanked that this Dreadlord is dead, " said Lady Amalisa. “But you did heal the boy, Moiraine Sedai, didn't you?”
The petite woman sighed. She had to tread carefully here. Say not too much, but let them assume. “I am not a Yellow Sister. I did for him what I could. His physical injuries, the burns, I have healed. But the One Power can be a weapon that harms more than only the body. More than I can heal. We can only hope for the best now.”
How often have I said that in the last time? If I had only hope left! Weeks have passed and he hasn't left the bed since then.
“As long as there is life, there is also hope. You were right and I was wrong when you insisted to take the boys with you. Rand al'Thor is a brave, young man. Taishar Manetheren!”
“Brave and headstrong at the wrong time,” murmured the Aes Sedai half under her breath.
Agelmar smiled at that. “That are all young men. With a bit luck we survive our foolishness and learn from our experiences.
“But enough talked. At the Eye of World you have battled with the Shadow and won, Moiraine Sedai.” For a moment Agelmar's eyes unfocused and Moiraine knew he thought of the Horn of Valere. “But if you forgive me my directness, Aes Sedai, you must take yourself the time to rest. I can see how much you are caring for the health of the boy, but it won't help him if you are dropping of exhaustion. There will still be other battles in the future.”
Moiraine suppressed her vexation and firmly reminded herself that Agelmar meant well and was an important ally in the war against the Shadow. Light willing, he would also be an ally of the Dragon when Tarmon Gai'don began. This to ensure was worth every effort by her. His word bore great weight in the Borderlands.
“You are of course right, Lord Agelmar. Too much was lately on my mind to find enough sleep.” Without doubt he knew from the servants how often she had staid up during the night. After a few courteous pleasantries she finally mad her excuses and left for her quarters.
How could she sleep, she reflected bitterly on the way, when she had to fight against her ever growing desperation and, she hated to acknowledge it, her paranoia. Desperation that Rand would give completely up and die in the bed. Paranoia, that anyone would discover the truth about his condition. Both possibilities would make the already difficult situation hopeless. No wonder she was plagued by nightmares. Like the one where everything around her drowned in Darkness, the land became corrupted by the Blight. And Rand stood in the centre of it, inactive and hardly interested. She had fallen on her knees before him and under tears begged that he do something, save them all and the world.
If I thought it would be of use I would do it now. Bloody stubborn shepherd! But neither begging nor her tears of despair would help.
Please, Siuan, react soon! Do something because I have no strength left.
Lan was brooding as he strode through the men's quarters. As so often in the past weeks thoughts of Nynaeve and Moiraine dominated his mind. Moiraine and Nynaeve. The one was his Aes Sedai, the other ... Mashiara. He had given her his ring. He could not offer her anything else, no future, even if Moiraine released him from his oath and bond. But he could not leave Moiraine, not now when his Aes Sedai needed him most.
There had been a time when the idea of Moiraine giving up had been unimaginable for him. But since the Eye she had lost every day more and more of her fire and this change was so terrifying because he could not do anything. It was hard for everyone to see Rand's deteriorating health, even harder for Moiraine who knew the cause and couldn't deceive herself. The chances that Rand would get better were close to non-existent.
Lan paused in mid-stride as he heard a muffled shout. He realised that his aimless wanderings had brought him to the very door of Rand's room. The sound had come from there. He knocked once and entered. He surveyed the scene with one glance. It wasn't what he had expected.
“I thought you would still be pretending to be dead, shepherd. But you seem to have joined the living again. Do you want to stay on the floor?”
“I... No.” Rand gestured to the opposite corner of the room, at the wash basin that stood there. “I wanted to wash myself. Could you help me to...” He broke off.
The boy looked pale and hollow-eyed. Lan just offered him a hand and pulled him to his feet. With his help Rand managed to cross the room. He avoided to look at Lan, obviously embarrassed by his helplessness. With effort, one hand always necessary to steady himself, he managed to strip his sweaty shirt off and started to wash himself. Wordless Lan fetched him new, clean clothes from the wardrobe.
Rand settled on a chair. He still looked at anything but Lan. The silence between him grew heavy. Rand's gaze focused on his father's sword, hanging in its scabbard from a peg. Abruptly he asked: “Would you teach me how to use the sword, Lan?”
“You can't learn it in the bed, Rand.”
“I know that. I mean when I feel better.”
“If you get better I will teach you.”
Lan could not quite keep the doubt out of his voice. Rand's quick glance at him told him that the boy had caught the undertone. But he said nothing.
Moiraine felt Lan coming and wiped the tears away. A futile gesture really, as her warder knew only too well her emotions. But even in his presence she didn't dare to break down.
A knock on the door and she called him in. As the door opened she could see his female escort curtsying. The Shienaran formalities were followed, though they knew he had always to be admitted to her quarters regardless of time and circumstances. She could feel expectation in him.
“News, Lan?”
“Yes, Moiraine. A messenger from Tar Valon just arrived.”
He handed her the letter. Hastily she broke the seal and straightened the paper.
“The Amyrlin is coming to visit Fal Dara.” Moiraine didn't hide her incredulity. “She will arrive in three days.”
“The messenger also had a letter for Lord Agelmar. No doubt announcing her impending arrival.”
“This comes on a very short notice. I wonder why.”
Lan shrugged. “I don't know. But I visited Rand. He has left the bed.” He met Moiraine's doubtful gaze. “He asked me to teach him the sword. I can not say if he meant it serious or if even his resolve to live will keep.”
Moiraine quenched the spark of hope. Better to not deceive yourself. Siuan was coming. She would take care of the these things.